Um hello? Welcome back from space... sort of

So you know how usually pens disappear from work because people walk off with them, usually its an honest accident, while some people try to take them because they have this weird sort of kleptomania or something.

Well, the other day I actually experienced the reverse of this for the first time, ever.

Enter Spacey Woman

--------------------------------

Me: "Hello, how are you today?" *begins scanning and bagging groceries*

SW: *Looks around surprised* "Whah, huh? Oh I'm good dear."

Me: *Gets to the end of the order, but noticed the woman hasn't started the payment procedure yet...* "Ok, well, now you need to choose a payment type."

SW: *more surprise* "Oh, uh, ok here we go." *woman pushes buttons, then stops*

Me: *notices she's selected to pay by check* "Miss, please fill out your check for xxx.xx amount."

SW: *more surprise* "Whah? Oh right, yes, of course" *takes out pen and checkbook from purse fills out check and puts her pen on the counter*

Me: "Thank you, and here is your reciept" *Notices she is walking away without her pen* "Oh mam, you'r forgetting your pen!"

SW: *supreme surprise* "That's not my pen. I've never owned a pen like in my life! That must be yours dear."

Me: *erm...* "Ok, mam thank you and have a nice day"

Next customer (who had witnessed the entire transaction of Spacey Woman) and I share a look and he busts out laughing and shaking his head.

I just shrug and say, "Well, there's a first time for everything."

--------------------------------

Good luck Spacey Woman
I guess...

Ah, the sweet smell of vi... "Could you check the prince of this!"

Ok, new character to add to the menagerie...

~~~ Scent Lady ! ~~~

So, we sell those scented herbal oils in the organic section. We carry a few brands, needless to say a few of the scents are repeated among them. Meaning, each one has a basil oil, or pine, etc. You get the idea.

I've had this lady in my lane several times...


Me: "Hello how are you today?"

Scent Lady: *dumps a few items on the lane* "Oh, good."

Me: *dutifully rings up items... etc. ect.*

SL: "Oh, could you price check these for me?" *Hands me two little glass bottles.*

Me: "Oh, sure"

SL: "Cuz I just couldn't tell on the shelves, I mean, I couldn't tell. It's just so confusing how they were marked, and the man there didn't know, he said you could price check them for me."

Me: "Oh yea, no problem" *Does price check* "Ok, this rose oil is $7.99 and this one is $8.99" (yea, they are fucking expensive, we are talking about .5 to 1 oz bottles here.)

SL: "Oh my, um, ok, no, no I don't think I want either of them today."

Me: "Ok, no problem." *puts little itty bitty bottles behind me for some other
schmuck to reshop later, shit, they probably get lost half the time.*


Now she doesn't even bother with buying a few items, she just comes to your lane when it's empty (usually an express lane) and has you price check a few scents. Usually she doesn't even buy any, but at least she puts them back now.

Scent Lady, you are strange!

AHH! MY EYES!

So, I happened to overhear part of the conversation of my next two customers, and it went something like this...


*Talking about Girl 1's key chain*

Girl 1: "...so he got it for me cuz he was worried about me, isn't that sweet?"

Girl 2: "I dunno, I guess so, it can't accidentally go off can it?"

Girl 1: "No no, its really secure. The cap is hard to get off, I guess it's so you don't hurt yourself."

Girl 2: "Oh that's good then"

*I ring up Girl 2 with the usual flare, then to girl two.*

Me: "Hello, how are you today"

Girl 1: "Oh, good." *Goes to hand me her key chain*

Me: "Um, I'm a little worried about touching your key chain now... is it safe?"

Girl 1: *laughs* "Oh, no, it's ok, its just mace"

Me: o_O' "o... ok then."

Girl 1: "The cap is on really tight, it can't go off accidentally or anything."

Me: *carefully scans key tag and hands back key chain*


Yea, just another usual day at work.

I always feel like... sombodys watching me

At work I have a calm and comforting demeanor, I don't like to start trouble,
and am friendly to others ... like I have to be. Meh.
Apparently this attracts the nut jobs, like flies on shit, where I work.

Today though, I got a new one.

~ ~ ~ Paranoid Lady ! ! !

Now, Paranoid Lady gets in my lane and I notice she's glanced over he shoulder a few times at a fellow a few lanes down from us. I don't say anything and hope that sinking feeling would go away...naw, she's going to make this be weird.


PL: "Excuse me."

Me: "Yes?"

PL: "Is that gentleman over there watching me?"

Me: "Um, the man a few lanes over?"

PL: "YES! Don't stare at him, just let me know, is he looking over here?"

Me: "Hum, well no, he doesn't look like he's looking over here."

PL: "He was following me, at least it felt like, it seemed like he was, he followed me through the whole store!"

Me: *...*

PL: "I'm very aware of my surroundings, some people aren't but I am. He went down every aisle I did!" *implying I'm not seeing it cuz I'm not 'aware' enough*

Me: *...*

PL: "I know when I'm being FOLLOWED! He was watching me, and when I noticed he said 'Hello' and SMILED! He followed me and now I feel weird we are both checking out at the SAME TIME!"

Me: "He does not seem to be looking at you miss, but I can have someone escort you to your car if you would feel safer?"

PL: "No no no, I just think its weird we are both checking out at the same time too."

Me: "Well, your all done now, and he's still getting his stuff all packed up, so you will be leaving long before he will"

PL: "Oh, good, ok then"

Me: "And you can go out that exit if you don't want to walk by him."

PL: *proceeds to walk right by her 'stalker'*


Paranoid Lady, you are 65 years old,
unless he had a geriatric fetish, I doubt he gave a shit about you.
It was more likely that you both needed TP, tomato sauce and lettuce.

Leave the poor polite man alone!

I guess it is 5 o'clock somewhere...

not here tho, or at least, not when Mr. Tipsy got in my line today at 4ish.

I'm doing my usual thing, "Hello how are you" rings up items after patron grunts whatever response la de da, de da.

Then I hear this, "HELLO THERE!" bellowed from the depths of some guys gullet.

I look up and see... Mr. Tipsy.

I do not know who he is, but he has definitely been hitting the bottle early,
maybe there was an office luncheon,
maybe a birthday party,
who knows cuz it's only Thursday.
He seemed to be having a little difficulty deciding what volume his voice should be, or which direction was south if you know what I mean. Needless to say, this is what followed...


Mr. T: "HOW are YOU today!"

Me: *Trying not to giggle* "Oh, I'm good, how are you Sir?"

Mr. T: "well... I'm just DANDY!"

Me: "That's nice Sir"

Mr. T: "Yea YEA, you can shove ALLLLL that in one bag for meh!"

Me: "Sure, no problem."

Mr. T: *grunts and swoons* "Huh, is that there the bathroom?" *gestures to our kiddy play center, definitely NOT the bathrooms*

Me: "No Sir, the bathrooms are just behind me" *Points to bathrooms*

Mr. T: "OOOH! ok, Mind if I USE em?" *swoons some more* "Hey, YOU think I could LEAVE my BAGS HERE?!? THINK they would be OK!?!?"

Me: "Sure, I'll keep an eye on them, it's no problem at all."

Mr. T: "You do that, and THANK YOU KINDLY!" *grunts and swoons way to the bathroom*


*Next customer enters the que*

Me: *ackward smile* "I apologize, that man is clearly intoxicated."

Nice Lady: "Well, at least he's polite and behaving himself. Hey, its 5:oo somewhere right?"

Me: "Indeed." *rings up groceries*


*Mr. Tipsy returns from the bathroom for his items.*

Mr. T: "ALL right young LADY! THANK YOU KINDLY!!!"

Me: "Your welcome!"


I really hope he was not driving...
but maybe I do.

What A Little Jerk!

OK, so last week I actually had a kid who didn't want to listen to me and well...

So Little Jerk comes in with his little sister, hes 8 shes 5, and there is already another 8 year old boy in there playing with the blocks. For some reason, when you get two or more 8 year old boys you get trouble, some kind of macho, dominant male in the room thing.
Usually its not a problem cuz they listen to you, you can, after all, call their parents and that's usually a good enough threat.

Well, this kid wouldn't listen.

Little Jerk keeps taking the other boys blocks, even off of this really spiffy town he's made. The other boy comes over and tells me, he's well behaved and polite. I tell him I'll take care of that, and let him know to just be patient, it will work out. I tell Little Jerk to stop, twice. He says hes going to hit the other boy, mind you these are those old fashioned wood blocks some of which are the size of baseball bats, I'm like, orly? O-O'

Me: "*insert real name here*, I'm calling your mother"
LJ: "How come everybody knows my name!"
Me: "You mom has to tell us, because we are responsible for watching you."
LJ: "AND how come you know her PHONE NUMBER?!?"
Me: "You mom has to give it to us for you to come in, in case we need to call her"
LJ: "Well, I've never heard of that, shesh, she never told me that, shesh, she's lost her privileges!" *pouts away*
Me: *erm, wtf, must be how he's disciplined...?*
LJ: "Well, if you call her I'm going to hit him"
Me: "No, your not" *now, I'm prepared to get between these kids, my body language must say so...*
LJ: "Well, I'll kick his tower down when she gets here then"
Me: *patiently waits for mother of devil child to arrive, acting nonchalant so as not to raise the suspicions of the room, they can smell worry you know*

Well, the mom gets there, and I tell her what her son had done, why I had to call her, and why he has to leave, she understands so no problem. He still had the nerve to knock the top off the tower, but mom's sharp disproving voice put a stop to that.

I put a note on his card, and left a note for who I consider my boss in the 'nursery'

I don't think Little Jerk will be returning any time soon.

By the way, his sister the whole time from start to finish, NO problems sharing, and was an absolutely lovely child...

so ?

Reading, it doesnt hurt I promise!

Ok,

I am so fucking sick of this.

I get these customers that when they get to the keypad,
they just stare at it,
I mean seriously,
stare at it like its some kind of fucking hypno-toad.

FUCKING READ THE DIRECTIONS YOU FUCKING IDIOT !

They make me have to tell them what to do, they make me say outloud the exact same thing it says on the keypad, some examples...

* (at our store you can enter your phone number in leu of sliding your frequent shopper card in order to get discounts.

The Idiot: "So what button to I press to enter my phone number?"
Me: "Um, the button that says phone number " o_O'
TI: "Oh, yea."
Me: o_O'

TI: "I swiped my card, what does it want me to do now?"
Me: "Chose credit or debit"
TI: Pauses to read the buttons, "Oh... yea."
Me: o_O'

This is the worst one, failure to completely read the keypad, people will go and enter their number then stare at the screen, because some idiot decided people would read it and notice it says " Welcome! Please slide your shopper card or payment card to begin", so this conversation will occur dozens of times a day...

TI: "What does it mean slide your shopper card, I did that already didn't I?"
Me: "Yes, just slide your payment card like it says"
TI: "But it says to slide my shoppers card"
Me: "Yes, but since you entered your phone number or I slid the keytag, you can slide your payment card now like it says"
TI: finally reads the rest of the screen, still not understanding it, "but it says slide my shoppers card...OR payment card to begin... oh, so did my card go through, is it asking for my shopper card again?"
Me: *Wants to really, REALLY strangle the guy who wrote the program for the keypad* "Yes sir, your shopper card went through already, it just returns to that screen as a default since you can slide your shopper card or payment card there."
TI: "So I got my discounts?"
ME: "Yes sir"
TI: "Then why does it say it wants me to slide my shoppers card again?"
ME: *impales self on the bag holders at the register, give my regards to nixon*


Oh my God why???

Ok,
granted some of the things I say can be attributed to being bored at work, tired, cranky, English not first language, etc., but with most individuals this is just their stupidity!!!

Sometimes I just let customers stare at the keypad to see how long it goes on,
some will stand there for almost a minute before either asking me what to do (like omg I'm lost here, id rather ask you then read something!) or FINALLY reading the fucking thing.

When I'm really grouchy, and they ask me what to do, I say,

"Please read the keypad and follow the directions"

HA!

...and some people still need me to walk them through, step by step.
OMFG, how do these people manage to get up,
get dressed,
and drive a car to where I work?!?!

later web-peeps

oopspoop kid

Just started working in the kiddy center at the supermarket.

Its loads of fun, I get to watch Disney movies, color with crayons and markers, play with trains and blocks, and all I have to do is make sure a few hyperactive runny nosed little snots don’t knock their noggins out…

jk, the kids really are nice…most of the time…

Which leads me to oppspoop kid.

Oblivious Mother drops off a little 3yr old boy and 5yr old girl, says they went to the bathroom and are good to go (I tend to check with the younger kids, you gotta watch them, no fault of their own, they’re learning after all.)

About a half hour into their stay, little boy begins jumping up and down incessantly. I ask if he needs to go to the bathroom…

Little Boy: *shakes head no*
Me: “Are you sure?”
LB: *shakes head harder no*
M: *observes little boy continues to jump around*
M: “Are you sure you don’t have to go to the bathroom?”
LB: *Shakes head no* “No!”
M: *Begins to observe suspicious odor…*
LB: *Continues Jumping*
-mother arrives to pick up kids-
M: “I think J---- needs to go to the bathroom”
Oblivious Mother: “Oh no, he went pee before we came, if he has to go its poop and he wont poop here”
M: “Ok, well, have a nice day then” *checks them both out of play center*
Older Sister: “I think he already went mommy!”
-they go to the bathroom and I over hear them as they walk by on their way out-
Oblivious Mother: “Nooo J---- you don’t wear diapers any more, those are underwear, you pooped in your underwear…”
Me: *plants head against wall* “Have a nice day everyone!”